in response to Z

Mind is before us, that’s why we are always confused because we are trying to trace a face of a thought that is always before us, and it’s hard because we can never turn around to look at her eyes.

Memory and passion are so connected because we are trying to remember, as to grab our minds which are always before us, but because it’s before us, we can not remember it. This causes pressure, and pressure causes heat, and passion is the heat from the pressure of trying to remember what we can never. I love you, I love your face and your voice and yoru story and I need nothing from you. You are a piano, you are a cart of flowers. You are a sky that is straining its face for loving us. I love you perfectly but I don’t need anything from you.

I am complete, so there is nothing to look for. There is only remembering. There is only the remembering of our truth, which is the movement of water flowing and never angry at gravity or moons or currents. I am water and so of course I want to absorb you

Human wisdom. Science. Spirit. Human. Nature. Fear is wisdom. Fear is sun. Fear is a light. Water is fear that does not fear itself. Water is empty. Water is alive and yet it has no wish to speak.

This love is alchemy                            This love is alchemy

This love is alchemy

This love is alchemy

This love is alchemy

This love is alchemy

This love is alchemy

This love is alchemy

This love is alchemy

This our first straying from truth which allows to wake up and bleed. This is a direct route to roadlessness. This is water. Moving with intention towards nothing.  This our wounded psyche. Oh wounded mind which is weeping before I am here. I want to love you. Omg I love you.

This is our manifesto. We are trying to remember what we have never met but have lived with our whole lives, all of them again and again.  This is the thing we are trying to say trying to write trying to fuck trying to hold trying to name. this is our manifesto. We know what we can never know.

Soft as humor soft as dream soft as water soft as waking up naturally this is our love. This is how I love you dear. You are my whole world. All of you all of us who are reaching out for what is before us. Soft as creek soft as melon soft as water.

Do we have room for our Lord? Did we make room for music? Do we have room for full lung, for wind, for dread, for many deaths, for irrigation, for faith? Oh faith, you are an empty room of silent sun, an empty room made of bone which is bleached by sunlight and its smooth and hard and will hold us when we shatter.

lie

[the lie] is hard and the color of it stinks and the thing looks like it could never belong to you. This is what alien is: alien is when you are unrecognizable to yourself. The queasiness of de ja vu and the dangerous lonely having a child in front of you

dreams...

i think I'm pregnant, so i tell my family. it's less hard than i think to tell them. i also can't remember how i got pregnant, that is a tricky part of the story. i go with  all my family and friends to the doctors office. there are like fifty people there, even some kids from work. The nurse practitioner looks like Greta Gerwig, and i like her immediately. everyone crowds around a cheap white table in the middle of a huge white room while she asks me questions. She tells me that she needs to pluck some of my eggs to see if there is growth inside them under a microscope. I get on the table in front of everyone and she goes in with a thin long wire.  I have absolutely no sense of shame. Everything about this visit is routine. She pulls out one of my eggs with the long wiry tweezer. it look like big purple raisin, or a shriveled red bean. I wonder if that is what they look like in everyone. I think, there might be a baby inside there and fill up with mystery and delight for life. It does not occur to me that the baby is now outside my body or the dangers of such procedure.  all of my friends and family have a party while we wait for the results. I am secretly hoping that I am pregnant . I start to fall in love with the fetus that is growing in the bean I made. I move around the party like a bride trying to connect with everyone. I even tell a kid from work to behave herself. The Greta Gerwig nurse comes back out and says, "you will be glad to hear these results, they are so exciting!" I blink with joy that I am going to have a baby. She says " you're not pregnant, of course not."